Puppy's for sale.

We went out tonight to hunt and gather, as so often is the case. We passed by a house on one of the main roads nearby where I saw a hand painted sign that read "Puppy's for sale." Really? That looked right to you? Bill Engvall would be so proud.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have really high standards for using the English language. Through or Thru I don't care. Their heading over they're to see there parents... okay, maybe not that low. If you are texting or IMing then maybe. But if you are going to hand paint a sign and place it on your front lawn for all to see, for the love, seek the advice of a literate family member before putting brush to canvas.




My wife sent me this and it was the first thing that came to mind when I saw the sign. Who knew that the only thing standing between a nice family dinner and cannibalism was a comma. Good times.

There is a guy down the street from us that frequently has a "Free Kittens" sign out front. I think I'll sneak out and change it to "Free, Kitten's".

Let's not fight you and I.

Technology and I usually get along pretty good. I think that it has learned that I don't really accept "No" as a valid answer from inanimate objects. There are times when computers and other electronics will work when I try perform the same steps that somebody else has performed numerous times before I did. This tends to annoy other more than you would think it would.

For the last few days technology (and tech support people in India) and I have not been getting along. At some point on Saturday our DSL modem decided that it no longer wanted to be a modem but a "red light, green light" machine instead. We had a little talk it's RAM was made up.

So I decided to turn to the Internet for help. Yeah, I couldn't find a thing on it or even get a page to load. Luckily my phone has some access to the web and I was able to determine the magnitude of the situation. Since we lease our modem I was forced to turn to my arch enemy...tech support.

After the 15 minute ordeal to prove that I am who I say I am we get down to proving that the modem is indeed not working.

Indian Lady: Sir, can you press the power button?
Me: No, it doesn't have one.
Indian Lady: OK, I'm sorry to hear that. Can you tell me are there any lights on it?
Me: Yes, there are.
Indian Lady: OK, thank you sir...so you should now be able to see Internet.
Me: Should? Yes, but no, still nothing.
Indian Lady: OK, give me a few minutes to check on something.
5 minutes late
Indian Lady: Are you still there sir?
Me: Yep
Indian Lady: OK, thank you for your patience sir.
Me: /eyeroll
Indian Lady: Can you tell me what modem you have?
Me: Sure, it's a...
Indian Lady: Okay, let me look that up in our system.
Indian Lady: Uh huh
Indian Lady: Okay
Indian Lady: Hmmm
Indian Lady: Uh huh
Indian Lady: Okay, it looks like your modem is broken.

So they send us a new one. In the mean time I have been without the Internet at home. I use the Internet for almost everything now days. I have stopped asking Wendi where I left my keys, I just Google it. I also go online to blog and to contact people, and to download coloring pages, and to bet on horse races, and to watch movies, etc. We had to relearn how to play bored games at our house.

I was able to prove a theory. That not having the Internet will not actually kill you. Or at least not in small doses.

Dead or just sleeping

We had a busy day today. We bummed around second hand stores looking for old looking bottles and Gothic looking candelabras. Our final stop was at a local Savers store. I won't bore you with the details but our greatest find was this fella.



Poor guy must have just run out of gas. He obviously found a couple of suitcases he was interested in. He must have just sat down for a second. His eyelids must have been so heavy. We figured he laid back for just a second, just to rest his head for a second. I think we can all relate.

The funny thing about this little guy is that he was totally out. I mean O U T...out. Little kids were running by "Mama, Mama". A lady just out of frame was testing a blow dryer out. Nothing, this guy crashed hard. I'd be willing to be that he was there until the place closed down for the day. I hope that he is still there now and that he wakes up in a dark store all by himself.


I'm still not sure how he has so much of his body in contact with 2nd hand things and able to cope. Whenever I go to these places I handle everything like it has the potential to give me pinkeye...which is probably not that far off. I don't think I could sit on that couch much less lay down on it. The only thing I could come up with is what if he wasn't asleep but had actually passed away while shopping for suitcases. Wendi wanted to go drop something really loud by his head but we decided to let him enjoy his nap. He would probably be cranky if we woke him anyway.

Re-RUOTED

You would probably think that a whole state could not possibly be under road construction at the same time...and you'd be wrong. Currently every single road in Utah is being worked on to one extent or another.

Things have got so bad here that they have run out of left pointing detour signs. But fear not, the people in charge held a meeting and determined that drivers are able to read upside-down letters while driving on unfamiliar back roads and avoiding potholes at the same time.

The construction is not only inconvenient but also confusing, even downright incosiderate sometimes. And my Garmin doesn't like it either. Case in point, today we had a dentist appointment that we were running a little late for. We headed toward the freeway where the on-ramps are, and have been for some time, under construction. As we reached the freeway we found that the ramp going northbound, the direction of our dentist's office, was closed. But luckily the construction personnel anticipated that this could potentially be problematic for commuters so they devised backup plan, to direct people onto the freeway on-ramp going in the opposite direction.

So here we are, late for our appointment, and forced onto the freeway, during rush hour traffic, traveling in the wrong direction in a construction zone. 10 minutes, 2 miles and 1 exit later we, and 40 of our now close friends, are sitting on the off ramp so we can turn around and get on the freeway going in the right direction.

One would think that they there would at least be a sign of some kind indicating that the ramp was closed. Heck, I'll even take an upside-down one. One would be wrong! No sign, no detour, no turnaround lane, nobody giving a damn.

I know that road construction is necessary, and even welcomed when it paves the way (pun intended) for future progress. But when it is poorly implemented and coordinated it seems to cause unnecessary problems for the tax payers funding it.

In the words of a dinosaur from the future "I'm starting to wonder how well though out this plan was." For the next 2 weeks I get to drive past the upside-down detour sign. I just can't help but think, "yep, that about sums it up."

Two Weddings and a present

We had two weddings this weekend. My Sister got married on Friday morning with a reception about as far away as possible without us having to rent a hotel room. The other is the daughter of a friend. That one was a good drive away as well. But the drive ended at the much more beautiful Woodland Hills. It is a nice community nestled at the base of the mountains. The community is actually build in small patch of forest, which in Utah is hard to come by.



From the reception hall we could see the snow still clinging to the very tip top of the peaks. It's almost July, just give it up already!!! All of our water ways are filled to the brim right now due to the late snowfall this year, and the lengthy spring. I love spring so I wasn't complaining at the time.

My quorum called to see if I could help sandbag the rivers. Unfortunately I had two weddings to go to so I was all booked up. Maybe next year guys :-).

On they way home we were treated to a beautiful sunset. It was one of those "How does anybody think that all this happened by chance?" moments. Wendi and I had one of our strange conversations about it. I decided that people have spent a lot of time trying to create a perpetual motion machine. Many have come to the conclusion that it is impossible. But really that is what our solar system is. A self sustaining machine in motion that does not require intervention to keep running. It's pretty amazing that our greatest minds can't do it, but somehow random events in the cosmos can.

I can't wait for the 4th of July. We are going to have a BLAST!!!

Still here.

Hey the rapture didn't happen yet, right? Wendi and I are still here so I couldn't have missed it. Anybody know when it is supposed to kick off?

The end is near.

So I guess this is it. The day has finally arrived. 7000 years to the day since Noah's flood, and we all know what that means. Judgement Day!!!! So I guess this will be my final blog entry. So I guess this is my last chance to clear my conscience.

Eric, I forgive you for getting me into trouble when I stole gum from the store. While I didn't appreciate it at the time, I now see the error of my ways and I recognize your main concern was for my eternal soul. Thank you for caring enough to tattle.

Ricky, I forgive you for convincing me to steal gum with you from the store. I now see that this was your attempt to include me. While I didn't enjoy taking the gum back to the store clerk I did learn the priceless lessons of honesty and trust.

Father, It has been over 20 years since you discovered the pink circle on the wall. It was me. I guess I kind of blamed you since it was your punishment that caused it. Kneeling in front of the wall with our nose toughing it to be specific. I am sorry that I didn't come clean 20 years ago, but lets face it, you were angry and I didn't want you to take my bubble gum away.

Random guy driving a truck with expired plates. Yes, I did just do that, but let's face it, it was going to happen at some point anyway. It just so happened that there was a police man in that lane, and that that lane was merging into our lane. Sure, I didn't have to slow down and let him in right behind you. I know that I shouldn't have taken so much joy in it and I regret that now. But you have to admit, it would have been funny if it happened to somebody else.

Entitled jerk driving the Porsche. Yes, you are a jerk. I saw you jump into the freeway on/off ramp to drive around 10 cars and then try to merge back in. Unfortunately I don't like to reward people that feel they are more important than everybody else. This is why I would not let you in even when you drove your fancy car with it's expensive paint job so close to my old beat up one. In spite of my feeling about your decisions I should not have expressed myself using the limited sign language I know and for this I apologize.

I look forward to spending more time with all of you on the other side. I hope that we can get past our differences and spend some hanging out playing harps.

Dogmometer

It's funny in our house with our pet dog, Trixie. We can usually determine what the weather is like outside by what she does when she comes inside. Anytime it's raining, snowing or just plain cold she comes in and runs around the house at greyhound speeds. This must help generate body heat or generate enough wind to dry her off, we aren't sure which. When it is hot outside and she comes in she will suddenly fall over as if fainting from a case of the vapors. It doesn't happen very often, because Utah doesn't get that hot ;-) but every once-in-awhile you will catch her flopping over on her side mid stride. A few days ago we had a freak snowstorm and I lovingly sent her out in the blizzard to do her business. She came the house at a full sprint and ran 3 or 4 laps around the living room. We decided that we should start documenting how long she runs when she comes in from the cold. We have a theory that if we tracked the duration of her sprints that we could determine the temperature, precipitation type, wind speed and possibly even the barometric pressure. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Going Green

It's no secret how I feel about the whole save the planet / go green thing. I think it's load of what was wafting through Lehi the other day. Everybody who is anybody seems to be jumping on the bandwagon, even major corporations are getting pressured into committing to clean up their act.

Mostly I think it's funny because if anybody really wanted to clean up the planet they would probably start at the places of the planet that are doing the most damage. Here in the good 'ole US of A we have the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) that get paid to think about this stuff for us. Why do you think so many companies don't actually do their manufacturing here anymore? That and the constant need to build smaller and smaller iPods necessitates using smaller and smaller fingers to assemble them. We may draw the line at child labor, but that only applies to American children apparently.

I know it's twisted but I love to see companies, and people, who profess to be earth friendly do things that don't seem to backup up their claims. For instance, the other day I received a "bill" in the mail from Home Depot for my Home Depot Credit Card. When I opened the bill I found, to my amazement, that my current balance owed is $0.00, and that a minimum payment of $0.00 is due no later than April 21st of this year. There is also a warning that a late payment could cost me up to $35.00, which seems a bit excessive to me.

That's right, The Home Depot paid $0.43 to send me a letter to let me know that I owe them nothing and I better pay it right away or else. This 3 page statement thoughtfully includes a self-addressed envelope and a detachable portion to return with my payment. Also included on the 3 pages is a number for credit counseling, just in case I have gone overboard on lumber purchase lately, a list of my recent no purchases and a detailed description how APR is calculated.

I guess I better write them a check so I don't accrue any penalties or fees as a result.

Happy Groundhog Day

Ahhh yes, Groundhog day at last. That most special day of the year when all eyes turn to a groundhog to learn how much longer Winter will drag on. It is unclear how this rodent came to possess such powers of prognostication but it is difficult to argue with results.

It is an odd ritual to be sure. A large rodent pokes his chubby head out of his hole and in a moment determines the outcome of future of the world. Depending on the brightness of the sun at the exact moment he looks around his hole determines if Winter will end early or last another 6 months.

Of course everybody wants winter to end early this year. Not that I blame them, with all of the snow that global warming has brought this year. Why even as we speak half of the country is being purified by the cleansing purity of driven snow. But who drives the snow? Very small cowboys of course.

In case you were wondering the groundhog did NOT see his shadow today signifying an early end to winter. I think this is the first time I have ever heard of his not seeing his shadow. In the past he has been able to see his shadow even in complete darkness. It must be magic.

Thanks Phil

Pain in the Neck

So, I am in pretty severe pain right now. I really hurt my neck and the pain goes down into my shoulder. It's been a long time since I have hurt myself like this. The ironic thing is that I haven't done anything that one would normally expect would bring on such an injury. So what was I doing when I injured myself?...Sneezing.

Yeah, that's right, I sneezed and pulled a neck muscle. Go ahead, get it out of your system. I have been sneezing a ton lately because I have a stuffy nose. Whenever I use nasal spray so I can breathe it causes me to sneeze. I think I would almost rather not breathe at this point. Luckily it only hurts whenever I move my neck so as long as I don't move my head my neck and shoulder don't hurt.

I really can't believe that I hurt it so bad. I have been sneezing my whole life and I have never been immobilized due to it. I guess this has to be one of those signs that people talk about that indicate you are getting on in years.

This better not interfere with my rocking out in the car. I need that me time. I guess I should be worrying about how I'm going to sleep tonight. Well I guess I should get to it.

The long ride home

For some reason the ride home is always longer than the ride away from home. I think it has something to do with the thoughts that you are dwelling on during the trip. On the way there you are thinking of the fun you will have, who you will see and what fun things you have planned. On the way home the thoughts are not quite so appealing...going back to work and paying the bills just can't compare.

Of course the drive takes even longer if you are the only one that can drive. On the way down Wendi drove about half of the way and I was able to take a nap. It was nice, and the time flew by as a result. While on vacation we realized that her license had expired 4 months ago. Of course once we knew we couldn't unknow so the rest of the driving was left to me. This drive home was among the longest on record in my mind. I'm glad I took the extra day to recuperate.

Giving the family the crabs

Well, I am back home. Where have I been you ask? Well, we just got back from a week vacation to Arizona. I am from there and much of my family still lives there. This particular visit centered around my youngest cousin getting married. Let me just say, what a trip it was.


Lets just start with the weather. We left Utah's freezing temperatures and raced a storm front (on a flat) and were greeted by Arizona's weather in the 70-80's. Oh man it was nice to get a week break from the snow and ice. I did get to change a flat near beaver in shorts amid snow flurries and wind gusts up to 75 mph (the speed limit). I think I'm going to call that one "an experience". We arrived a bit later than we hoped, but we did arrive in once piece, so there is something to be said for that.

When we got there we found out that after 4 months of waiting the bank was finally ready to close on our refinance, the only problem was that we had to sign within the next three days. It's funny how when it's your time being wasted time is no concern, but the second the time being wasted is there suddenly you are expected to jump through hoops. Well I told them that they would have to find a way for us to sign while we were there in Arizona, and there was only 1 day that I would be available before the deadline. They ended up having a traveling notary come out to the house I was staying at to get the paperwork completed. I'll admit, it felt good to make them jump through some hoops for once.


The family was all there as I represented the Utah chapter of the clan. The temple ceremony was awesome like it always is. The sealer even let us take some pictures ;-) . Mental pictures were followed by more pictures which were then followed by still more pictures with a picture chaser. The sun was bright and I was squinting in all of mine I'm sure of it. The reception was held at an amazing home with the coolest pool I have ever seen in my life. It was built in to a raised portion and the whole side was glass so you could see in to the pool as water cascaded over the glass. Oh, and Wayne and some of his friends and family were there too :-)

After the wedding the bride and groom rushed off to California everybody tried to get back to normal life. We went and hung out with David, Emmy, Alexis and Timothy and had a blast. We went to the swap meet (Wendi's favorite) and to Sweet Tomatoes (a family tradition) and we killed some Nazi zombies. I also took the opportunity to try all of the different types of Cheerios known to man as they happened to have them all on hand. The fruit and chocolate flavored ones are among the best in case you were wondering. We also wifenapped Emmy to have some professional pictures taken. Finally, the night before we left, we went fish shopping. They had fish before but they were attacked by piranha and none survived. They bought a few for their aquarium and Wendi and I decided that we would buy them a fish or two to remember us by. We were thinking frogs, but Walmart had Crabs, and that just seemed right.

So in the end we gave David and his family crabs. Alexis was very excited to get crabs because this was the first time she had ever had crabs. She even named her crabs. We shared some laughs and towards the end some cries but all in all I'd say it was a vacation well spent.


Our dogs were VERY excited to see us. I think that they thought we were gone forever...again. They are so funny. I'll admit it feels pretty good to be greeted by people who have missed you wherever you go though.


The drive home took 11 hours, but no flats this time. And though the odds were stacked against me no tickets either. As fun as it was I look forward to a nice long sleep in my own bed on my own pillow in my own home.